dharmabumgrl's Diaryland Diary
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Does unconditional love of parents exist? Show me proof, I will believe you.
The next week at school proved to be very trying. I was scared, confused and weak. I felt sick just around English/Literature 4th period. I was on the verge of puking throughout the class daily. One day during economics, 7th period. I began to cry for no reason, my thinking became irrational, and I thought that I was going to pass out. My teacher sent me to my counselor Mr. Meyers. He was the person I trusted most at that point in my life and trust was not well known to me at that time.
He asked me to tell him what was going on in my life to cause an ulcer and an outburst of emotion like that in class. He described what I had as a nervous breakdown. That normally happens to people between 35 and 45. And the ulcer, most common in 35-60 year olds. What the hell was a 16 year old girl doing with these problems?
I told him NOT that I was pregnant, but I masked that problem with my previous problems, I told him that I was sexually abused by my father and that it was swept under the rug, blah blah blah, and never dealt with.. He asked me to go call my mother in, because he would like for the three of us to talk about this together.
I went to another phone out of the room. I called home my mother answered, I was crying. I said, "Mom, I am in Mr. Myers office, I had some problems in class, he wants you to come in� She replied, "Tawnya, tell me what's going on, what�s wrong with you? What problems?" I said "Mom, please just come in" she said, "WHAT.. DID.. YOU... TELL HIM??!!??" I said "mom, please, just come in." She said, "TAWNYA!, did you tell him.." I hesitantly said,"....yes...."
She yelled "FUCK!" and slammed the phone down. My mother showed up, Mr. Myers gave my mother advice. my mother thanked him, and of course showed him her fake remorse. Then we left. Walking to the car, my mother didn't say a word. As soon as we got in the car, my mother began to yell.
"What the hell is wrong with you Tawnya?
what do you want me to do?
Do you want me to put your dad in jail?
Will that make you happy?
Don't you know that he is sorry for what he has done?
Can't you just get over it?
Forget about it!"
I sat there, sad, full of guilt with big tears in my eyes. I did not want my father to be hurt. I was confused about the whole thing with my dad, and I am also pregnant.
I think I did not want to tell them; I was scared of what they were going to do when I did. They already hate me because I can't deal with that problem, and here I go creating more problems..
My mother drove me home, didn't say another word to me, she looked at me very angry now and again during the drive. When we got home, I went to my room. My mother sat at the kitchen table and wrote a letter to my dad about the incident. I have no idea what it said. She drove to Heritage Ford, where he worked and put it in his truck.
Later that night, my father showed up at home and he and my mother called me into the room, my father had tears in his eyes. I can't stand to see my dad sad, I love him so much and when I hurt him I feel so bad. I felt totally responsible and out of line for this whole incident. The first words out of his mouth were.. "After reading that letter, I thought I was coming home to an empty house.
I began to cry an to apologize to my dad for causing him pain. My mother sat there with the same scowl on her face. She had become so cold. She has hated me since that fateful night when I was 11, she walked into my room and ended my horror. She began to view me as a rival, instead of her child that she should nurture.
That incident blew over. I waited about 2 weeks to talk to my mother about the pregnancy.. The time had come. I could no longer hide it and I had to tell her. Ralph came over we sat in the living room with my mother, I said to her, "Mom, I have something to tell you. I am so afraid and if I don't tell you now, my fear will kill me" She said "What is it Tawnya? You pregnant?" I said, "yeah" She sat silent for a minute then let out a light giggle and said, "Don't expect me to baby-sit, Hahahaha� She said you have to tell your father tonight, but you can't tell him that I know, pretend like you are telling us together." She always manipulated and lied to him like that.
Luckily my uncle Mike called that night and asked me and Ralph to go with him to the circus. We went, any excuse to procrastinate the scariest thing I ever had to do in my life up till then, was welcomed.
The next night, was the night, pressure from my mother to tell my father as soon as he got home was unbearable. As I sit in my room awaiting that fateful moment I hear my father walk in the door, I sat there waiting with Rafael, (with the door open of course) The minute my father walked in, I ran to the bathroom and threw up.. No kidding, I was THAT scared.
Ralph and I walked into my fathers "office" we sat in the chairs in front of his desk and began to talk.
1:04 a.m. - 2001-08-31
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