dharmabumgrl's Diaryland Diary
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I've gone crazy.. I've been heading there for awhile, I've finally arrived.
I just realized that I'm more self destructive when I have less "me" time.. isn't that interesting? what that means is when I have a boyfriend and spend each and every free moment with him,I burn bridges, I stop feeling, I become numb, I think less of me and more of... um.. not us, not him.. I try to find a way to drown my thoughts.. when he's out and I'm alone and I'm listening to my favorite music and I'm calculating thoughts, pondering the wonders of our time, I feel good again..
Don't get me wrong.. I love him, not just love, I adore him.. but I see the self destruction that ensues when 'I' am a part of "we"... I don't think that its him.. its all me.. I don't want to leave him.. I want to find out what makes this destructive behavior appear.. I become desperate... like I'm confused, I've lost me.. I can't think, or do for myself...
Oh god.. ok so another things is, I used to be so independent.. and now, I'm not.
jeese.. well this is me tawnya, 32, telling you that it doesn't get easier after 30... so don't be fooled..
and I miss Cory more than I can even bear.. I cannot go on without him and if I have to I'll go crazy.. I think about him pretty much every minute of every day.,,,I dream about him,,,I cannot handle this.. Cory Torres, I love you more than you'll ever know..
xo,
your mom
10:31 a.m. - November 09, 2005
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