dharmabumgrl's Diaryland Diary
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I don't want pity, I want understanding.
I hate to be alone. Yes being alone is a fear I have. However, I cannot just be with anyone because of that.
I was alone for two years. Before I moved to San Francisco, and I of course was lonely, and I went on 2 dates. I was so scared of being alone, yet I did not compromise myself and what I really want, to be with just anyone so I would not have to be alone.
I did wonderful those two years, I got myself out of the hole (financially speaking) I had a great job and I spent a lot of time taking care of things for myself.
But I have to be honest, I am still alone. Since I was a child, age 16 to be exact. Because of the lies my mother told everyone to cover up the molestation, only one person in my family calls me one every couple of years. No one else calls or even cares about what I do. In fact, a lot of family members have taken great measures to let me know how they feel about me, and most of them don't even acknowledge my existence. This includes, my mother�s family, my father�s side and close family friends that I grew up with. When my friends called, she told them this story too. I wish this were exaggerated.... but its not.
My mothers story to them all was that - I made up the story that I was being molested for 11 years, because I was pregnant, and I wanted to move out, but they wouldn't let me.
(none of which was true)
What is true is that I was molested for 11 years, became sexually active very young because of it, and got pregnant. And YES I called CPS (child protective services) When my parents wanted me to abort my baby. I did it to get out and make decisions on my own.
When I was a child I became my parents puppet. I did not speak with out their permission. I was terrified of my father. He was afraid that I would spill his secret so he controlled me until the day I ran away. When I told them that I was pregnant, THEY DECIDED that I would have an abortion. So they locked me in the house (no kidding) we had an alarm on our house, it was summertime so school was out, they kept the alarm on because they sensed that I was going to run away, and I was. They called, made the appointment, and were going to force me to go.
One day when my mother was in the shower, I searched the house, found the alarm key and ran away - when she got out of the shower, I was gone. Me, being 16 and afraid, I still loved my mother and I was so sad that I had to hurt her like that. Up to that point, that was the hardest thing I ever had to do. Just to picture her face, and what she was probably feeling, when she realized that I was gone, made me cry.
I called my mother on several occasions, during the first month that I was gone. My mother told me that I was causing her and my father pain and to stop calling. She said "Your father lies in bed and cries every night, now how does that make you feel Tawnya?"
So after they stopped taking my calls, I wrote a letter and asked if I could please have my things from my room and my clothes and the money that I had been putting in savings from working. She wrote me back and said that she had given everything of mine to goodwill and how dare I ask for money. (Which was my earned money) The last part of the letter said, "You have made your bed Tawnya, now lie in it. You are dead to us"
Do you know what is ironic? When I was a little girl one of my biggest fears was that my mother and father would get old and die. In my young mind, this was a quick process, I cried at night in bed about this all the time Really, I remember this as the most significant fear of my childhood. I was an only child, my parents were my life, and as you can tell, they weren't my security. Security is something I have never had, but I have craved it my whole life.
When I was 17, I worked in the mall in my hometown (Modesto, CA) and I saw 2 of my mothers friends walk by. One lady, named Susan was my mothers best friend from high school. This lady changed my diaper for the first time that is how long I knew her. Anyway, she and the other friend were walking by, I called their names, they turned and looked right at me, then continued to walk. I was so excited to see them, being exiled from my family, I welcomed a friendly face. I ran to catch up to them and they both turned and gave me the most evil look that you could imagine. I said, in an excited voice, "Hi, its me Tawnya!" Susan said to me "Yeah, I know." I said "Susan, what�s wrong?" She said, "Tawnya after the way you have treated your parents, I don't want to know you" I stood there contemplating weather or not to defend myself, but I felt that she was my mothers best friend, obviously not my friend. I wanted so bad to tell her that what my mother told her was lies about me and why. Anyway, that story would have taken more than the 5 minutes I was allowed to take by my manager. I at that point gave up all hope of ever seeing anyone in my family and without a word, I turned to walk away. I cried about that for a week. This was when I new that I would no longer have a community of people who loved me. It was going to be just me.
Do you know that not last year but for the three years before, I didn't have anywhere to go for holidays? I mean I had friends, who I saw the days before or after the holidays, and a few friends who invited me to their families house, but I usually felt like it was a pity invite and declined to go.
I feel sorry for myself for all of this, I know I do, I don't repeat it on this diary now to receive pity. I do it to get it out of my head and because I am feeling alone today. If I can get to the source of my fears by recalling my past, maybe I can lessen this feeling. And it feels good to write this where others will read it, it means more than writing it in a journal that I hide under my bed. This has happened to people throughout time. I am proud that I have not let it break me but if I give in to this fear I have, and my feelings of abandonment it will break me.
8:11 a.m. - 2001-09-18
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